I woke up today tired than usual. I don't know how but I get the strength to get up and try to make it to work day after long day. I'm tired because finally my cancer has gotten the best of me. Yup thats right me....25 years old and I have cancer. The doctor says I can beat it but I am not that sure.
I know I say im not sure but I do try to eat better now. I have lost weight but I am maintaining a healtiher lifestyle. I have not told my family. The truth is that I have kept this diagnosis to myself for a while. No one has a clue. Not my girlfriend Jane nor my brothers. I am tired now and so I have to let them know. I still remember getting diagnosed after college. I just hope that my family forgives me for not telling them.
What a better place to tell them that our local church grounds? My brothers came out and they were suprised that I wanted all of them there. I didnt know how to say it so I just blurted it out. "I have been diagnosed with cancer for about four years and well its finally not containable to oe body part. Its spreading so I decided to tell all of you." Otani just stared at me and Ethan looked at me like I was crazy. "What do you mean? Since when?" asked Ethan.
"I was diagnosed right after I got kicked out of college. It was small then but now its spreading and well the doctors say I can beat it but im tired".
Otani got right up and hugged me hard, " you can beat it Ivan. You can. You have us now to lean on and you will beat this if its the last thing we do". I never thought telling my family would be such good support for me.
We all left the church in good spirits. I am glad that I told them once and for all.
I told my girlfriend Jane over dinner at my house. She was in shock and she couldnt believe that it was actually true. After dinner she told me that she needed some time to process this. I honestly don't know it we are going to stay together or not. I know if I was not sick then she would be the one I would stay with the rest of my life.
Jane decided that she would stand by me and support me. After weeks from not hearing from her I was ecstatic to know that I had her support. I loved her more than I could ever imagine.
I have never been much of a religious man but I decided to start attending church. Jane also attended with me . After mass one day I decided to pop the question to her. I have been feeling great and my chemotherapy was working. I might have this cancer beat after all. I got down on one knee against Jane's protestations and asked her to be my wife.
It broke my heart in half when she shook her hands and said " NO Ivan. I will not marry you".
I asked her why.. I thought we loved each other. She responded, "you tricked me. You knew about this cancer for over four years. You started dating me while knowing you could be dying and you have never told me?"
"what was I supposed to do Jane? Should I have said, 'Hi Im Ivan and I have cancer that is in remission would you still date me please?' come on we both know that its not possible"
"So you trick me into thinking everything is OK? I dont think a marriage should start out like that. I know your going to beat it but I cant marry you now. It doesn't mean that I want to stop dating you"
"No Jane.....no. stop it.. what you are saying is 'I will marry him if he doesnt die' No thank you"
"Ivan..Ivan wait. I love you but im scared"
"No Jane your right. This is over and im sorry I wasted your time and especially what little time I have left which according to you its so little. NO don't bother. Have a nice life" With that I stormed out of the church grounds got into a cab and came straight home.
Rodrigo did not know that I had cancer. I told him and he told me that I could beat it. As my quad brother this was a different feeling hearing it from him. We are quads, Rodrigo, Beatrix, Madeline and myself. It was strange knowing that we are closer than everyone else actually is. I get along with Rodrigo and Madeline. Beatrix and I hated each other growing up... we are trying to repair our relationship but it been slowly getting there.
Rodrigo learned some massage exercises on his latest eastern vacation and wasted no time give me one. I hope that Rodrigo stays happy with Cole. They seems to be getting their life on track more than the rest of us.
Madeline came over as soon as Rodrigo told her. She told me that Beatrix had just given birth so she was unable to come. Go figure my sister is a new mom and I didn't even know she was pregnant. I guess we have not worked on our relationship as much as I thought.
After church I sat down and looked around. I asked myself "Is this the end?"
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